Friday, July 12, 2013

✐ My recurring nightmares... again

My recurring nightmares I've had for 20 years, that I wrote about in an earlier post has been haunting me really bad lately. I did manage to see the nighmares as "movies" for awhile, but I think I just supressed them. They came back and more stronger, I can wake up several times a night, with a pounding heart and full of anxiety. Last night in my dream, I was stuck on an airport whitout any money, wanting to go "home" but not being able to.

Night after the night the same nightmare, for 20 years now and they've become more frequent and more horrifying, the past year. I always wake up, feeling exhausted and I hate to wake up at 4 am from a nightmare and not being able to go back to sleep. It's not possible when my body is in a state of fear, my heart is pounding and I have the feeling I just want to run away. I've been told by others in the past, that I often talk or scream when I sleep.

Feel like I'm close to being at the end of my rope, I'm always tired, have no energy or wanting to do anything, I've lost interest in almost everything. My anxiety is worse than ever and I don't see any "happy" future in front of me. I'm stuck in "hell". 

My emotions are frozen, I can't cry or laugh, I have closed the doors to other people, isolated myself. The only way out I can see is death, I've had enough of this world and myself. I'm exactly the same age as when my mother died of a heart attack in her sleep, I wish it would happen to me, she was suffering and now I'm suffering, I want to this to end. I've had enough.

Fuck this, I found an escape, beer and music in Second Life....want to find out more? Click 'Second Life' at the top, live reporting from there.

Found this video on YouTube, not that I feel it is much of a help, just an understanding what's happening in the brain. From The Brain Channel

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