Monday, October 21, 2013

✐ Economic Collapse & The Rise of Fascist & Racist Elements

I've just watched this video from 'Storm Clouds Gathering', a very terrifying future scenario. Watch the video on youTube and then read the 'Top Comments', that is REALLY scary.

In 2010 we had election in Sweden and the racist party ' Sweden Democrats' made it into the parlament, that was a shocking result for me. So I made a picture in Second Life and uploaded it on Flickr and wrote about my thoughts and feelings in the description. I'm quoting a part of the description here:
"Didn't people learn anything from the time when Hitler and his National Socialist German Workers Party (NSDAP) began their journey to gain power. It was the German citizens who voted for his party. In May 1928 the NSDAP had 2.6 % of the votes, from 810,100 Germans and 12 seats in the parlament, on March 6,1933 the NSDAP increased its result to 43.9% of the votes, from 17,277,000 Germans and 288 seats in the parlament.
Please!!! Let's not repeat this ugly history. At that time it was about the jews, however this can happen in other countries to any ethnic group."
Racist party in the Swedish Parlament (Flickr)
I say it again, please let's not repeat the most horryfing and appalling era of what the hideous crimes mankind are able to carry out. So much hate and ignorance, why do they consider 'whites' being the supreme race, stupidity I guess. I feel ashamed about my own race, there's no difference between skin colors, it's evolution, the genes in our body that have evolved to fit the enviroment we live in.

More to read HERE!

Here's the video from YouTube, but watch it on YouTube so you can read the comments.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

✐ Prisoners of our brain

I may have written earler that I only have 4 TV Channels and one of them is the 'Knowledge Channel' that I watch quite frequently. They broadcast lectures from different Swedish universities. Here you will find new discoveries in medicine, take note of the public debate and follow popular science lectures with some of Sweden's most prominent speakers.

Anyway, on Sunday I listened to a very interesing lecture, that somehow had a real impact on me, can't stop to think about what he said and I would really like ot watch that lecture again. 
The Lecture was called:
"From Stone Age man to the present. What is the real sense? What do we perceive the real and what is unreal? Sverre Sjolander, zoologist, tells us how important it is that all the signals to the brain works so that we understand our world. Organizer: University of Linköping."

He said that the perception of reality is a mental construction and that we're bascially prisoners of our brain.
"Our culture is the first in history to have corrected the map for the terrain that is the case until someone draws the better. Konrad Lorenz merged Kant and Darwin: The image of the world is a subjective opinion, but of all possible views, the closest to reality a survival value that is passed on.
 
How are we designed to perceive the world in one way or another? No culture before us have discovered the fact that "if the map does not reflect reality as we draw on the map"! A widespread approach only from the 1700s. But even the perception of reality is a mental construction. It's just that it has proven to have the best explanatory power than any other so far fabricated structures!

We formulate a conception of the world that can be falsified. The idea we have is the one that best explains reality right now until someone finds a better which falsifies the old. Why is our culture, the only one who did this? Everything that goes on in reality is just an idea in my brain. It's just in my head."
Source: Sverre Sjolander: A zoologs worldview | Humanist West (In Swedish)
I found the video online, he's speaking English. I don't know if the video is accessible in all countries 
From Stone Age man to the present

Some quotes from the lecture:
 "The function of animal cocnition is not to represent reality, it is to allow the animal to act in an adaptive way.
-- Source: Konrad Lorens

"The difference between a hallucinating lunatic and a normal person is not that one hallucinates and the other perceives reality. Both are hallucinating, but in the normal person the hallucinating is in close resonance with reality"
He says that we're always are hallucinating, but his hallucination is in resonance with reality.
-- Source: Sverre Sjölander

Monday, September 16, 2013

✐ Man In The Mirror

This is an all time favorite song, the lyrics are beautiful and Michael Jackson sings it very well.
"The song was composed by Glen Ballard and Siedah Garrett. Jackson added background vocals from Garrett, The Winans and the Andrae Crouch Choir, which gave the song its distinctive sound. The song is said to be one of his favorite songs. Arranged with a gospel choir. The song is played in the key of G Major at a tempo of 100bpm. The vocal range is Ab3-C6. The recording was produced by Quincy Jones and co-produced by Jackson."
Source: Wikipedia
"I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And Then Make A Change
"

Thursday, September 12, 2013

✐ Celebration

Wohoo. more than 200 000 views on my YouTube Channel :-D... And 988 subsribers... :-D Okay I'm not making any money from being a YouTube partner, but as said earlier, that was never my intent. This is just my ego celebrating all the views and the amount of subscribers, surprise, I have an ego as well, not so proud about it though. Also the videos I'm uploading aren't my creations anyway, so... all credit to Na'ven Goodkarma (FingerprintDIVA).

Update September 16 - 2013
Big smile, I've finally reached the magical nr (amount) of 1000 subscribers.

Friday, September 6, 2013

✐ My teeth and weight loss

I haven't written anything about my teeth for awhile, so here's an update. I have not been to the dentist, I don't have the money to pay for the extensive work my teeth needs. Last time I saw a dentist was in the mid 90s, but I have taken care of my teeth, brushed and flossed. One of the problems have been that I'm taking medicines that makes my mouth dry. Also when I started to get toothache, I think I flossed my teeth too much, at least 20 minutes after each meal, which led to that the fillings I had fell apart. So the teeth that had fillings, have broken, the teeth are gone but the roots are still there. I have only 2 canines left in my upper right jaw, on the left I know one of them is gonna break soon, I can feel the gap where there once have been a filling.

Anyway, about 6 months ago, I was so fed up with the toothache so I decided to only eat one solid meal a day, breakfast. Then I fast for 24 hrs, drinking protein drinks and lot's of water, I've been doing this for 6 months now and I've lost so much weight and keep losing it. Now I can wear clothes I haven't been able to for 20 years and I feel the bones in my body that was covered in fat before. I've no idea how much weight I've lost, I don't have a scale, maybe 10-15 kilos...?!

Recently I've come across news articles about the 5:2 diet, when I started I had no idea about it. For me it was about avoiding toothache and that have worked, no pain in my teeth for a long time now. However, since I'm on such a low calorie diet (for 6 months), I have experienced hunger pains, specially in the evenings. But compared to toothache, hunger pains are nothing. My whole relationship to food have changed, now I basically see it as way to give my body as much nutrients it needs. I've lost my attachment to food being a way to socialize or using it as a way for comfort, etc. Some food I feel disgusted by, specially meat, seeing a raw piece of meat makes me feel sick. I don't have any "food" cravings anymore, but I do feel hunger sometimes.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

✐ Big Steve from England - In Sweden

I found his channel on YouTube and the videos are really fun, and exactly what I need in contrast to all the News Channels I watched lately. Sometimes you really need a good laugh. Big Steve is visiting the north of Sweden, making a film.
"I'm currently in North Sweden shooting a TV-Show called the Blackyoumentary.
The clips on this channel are the build up, to let everyone see the different things, that I'm testing and experiencing, while living here in the north of Sweden. The Blackyoumentary will be realesed on TV next year. So until then, keep watching my channel and please subscribe."
So here's Big Steve from England - YouTube Channel

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

✐ What a Wonderful World - Is it...?!

Louis Armstrong was one of my mothers favorite artists. This song makes me think about her but I'm also questioning myself if the world is wonderful. My answer to that is NO, I hate this world, I can't wait until my life is over, I want it to end now. Yeah sure I'm aware of that I suffer from major chronic depression, however maybe I'm not sick, I mean look at what's happening in the world and at the history of mankind. How can you not feel depressed about it?

My mother suffered from major chronic depression as well, she grew up in Sweden during WWII, okay so we were not invaded by the nazis, we were so called "neutral" (yeah sure). After the war ended and all the horryfying crimes that the nazis had carried out, came out to the public, must have affected all people of that generation. It definetly had an impact on my mother, she always said that the world was an ugly place.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

❤ Mamma ❤

Today it's exactly 23 years ago (1990) my mother passed away in her sleep from a heart attack. I was living on Maui, Hawaii when it happened, I got that phone call you never want to get. Talking to my crying father on the phone, telling me that he found her dead in her bed in the morning. That was a shock for me that I never really recovered from, there I was on the other side of the planet, trying to deal with the "news". I was in some sort of haze the first month, I have dreamlike memories of the first weeks, feels really weird when I think back. Something inside of me died when my mother passed away and that part is still dead. There was one life before and another one after her death. 

I had been living in the US for three years and after a trip to India I decided to spend the summer in Sweden before going back to the states (1989). So I did get time to spend with her for 3 months. There is one memory that's still haunting me, it was when I came to see her before leaving Sweden, when we said goodbye. We were both crying and we hugged each other for a long time, then she says: "This is the last time I will see you (please don't leave)". She was right, and part of me hate her for saying that, I'm a really sucker when it comes to guilt, but she was right...

The reason I'm writing about it today is because I'm exactly the same age as her now, when she died. For some reason my mind have been making a big deal about it...

Happy Death Day, Mom and Rest In Peace

Here's my favorite photo of my mom and I, long time ago

Sunday, August 18, 2013

✐ My favorite online TV News Show

Since I started to watch the independent medias news online, mainly on YouTube. I have come across some interesting ones. I've already mentioned 'Democracy Now!' and 'RT America' in an earlier post, but there's one more I watch a lot, The Young Turks. Their show is a bit different from the others, it's more of a News/Talk Show, than just reporting the news. They make comments and have their own opinions, they have discussions, etc. The primary host, Cenk Uygur, is really opinionated and entertaining, I've had many laughs watching/listening to him. Sometimes the whole team have a discussion about some topic, which is interesting and entertaining as well, many laughs from that studio.
"The show's name derives from the English-language phrase "Young Turk", meaning a reformist or rebellious member of an institution, movement, or political party

The Young Turks (TYT) is the name of a progressive daily news and political commentary program hosted primarily by Cenk Uygur. The show, known as The Young Turks, broadcasts via live web stream and YouTube. Politically liberal/progressive and humanist, TYT was founded in 2002 as a liberal talkshow on Sirius Satellite Radio as that radio's first original talk programming. The Young Turks claims to be the first Internet TV news show and the world's largest online news show. Video of the show is streamed daily on their website and is available as a podcast. On 20 April 2013 The Young Turks announced that their YouTube channel had received over 1 billion video views.

Writing for US News, Paul Bedard has described TYT as a group of progressive, outspoken journalists and commentators discussing politics and pop culture" and the founder Cenk Uygur as bringing a, uniquely progressive and topical commentary about politics and pop culture."  
Source: Wikipedia
My TYT Playlist - YouTube

Friday, August 2, 2013

✐ Study of Swedish news broadcasting on August 1 - 2013

I'm questioning if the Swedish TV broadcasting news are as independent as we think they are. We have 2 major broadcasting companies in Sweden; SVT and TV4 that are sending the news. I have watched all the news broadcasts from both channels from August 1 - 2013. My question was, how much air time would the Manning trial and Snowden get.

Here's the result:

SVT
Rapport 7:30 pm (Rapport is Sweden's largest news with news around the clock for, SVT Forum and SVT Play.)
The main focus was about, Stockholm Pride demonstrating outside the Russian Embassy in Stockholm, against Putin's anti HBT laws, around 4 minutes of airtime. Snowden was mentioned for less than a minute and NOTHING about the Manning trial. Rapport 7:30 PM

Aktuellt 9 pm (Currently, SVT-depth news programs, providing analysis, debates and longer features.)
They focused on late diagnoses of people infected with HIV and a study about climate changes, that claims when it get's warmer, people become more aggressive and  angry, that violence, conflicts, etc it's more likely to happen then. Snowden was mentioned for less than a minute and NOTHING about the Manning trial. Aktuellt 21 PM

TV4
News 7 pm, Snowden was mentioned for less than a minute and NOTHING about the Manning trial. TV4 News 7 PM

News 10 pm, The focus was about the Berlusconi trial and Putin's anti HBT laws. Snowden was mentioned for less than a minute and NOTHING about the Manning trial. TV4 News 10 PM

I think this is remarkable, the big international news on August 1 - 2013 was about the Bradley Manning trial and none of the Swedish TV channels mentioned anything about it. The Swedish newspapers did have articles about Manning, but it wasn't first page news.

The Bradley Manning trial is a huge, very important and a major "event" in contemporary history. It's about human rights, freedom of speech and freedom of the press. This is something that should concern media worldwide, specially in the so called western "democratic" countries. That the source "whistleblower" Bradley Manning faces his whole life in jail, because he provided documents of war crimes done by the US army to Wikileaks. And the Swedish TV News channels didn't report anything about it, that's appalling.

Update, August 8 - 2013
Surprise, surprise... and now Obama is coming to Sweden in September, cancelling the planned trip to Russia, due to dissapointment that Putin gave Snowden temporary asylum in Russia!!! This is nothing but a political global "game", similar to kids playing in the sandbox. "If you don't give me that toy, I won't give you mine". Hello guys, this isn't a sandbox, it's the whole world you're playing with and you better be careful, we only have this one.

More to read here: President Obama to visit Sweden in September The Local - Sweden's news in English
"The statement issued by the White House confirming the visit referred to Sweden as a "close friend" of the United States, praising the country for "key leadership" on important international issues, including the forging of a new EU-US trade deal."
 

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

✐ Drones, the next upcoming technology

RT America have uploaded a video on their YouTube Channel: "First commercial drones to start flying this summer". With the Prism "scandal" still fresh in mind, I'm concerned about how the drones will be used...?

I'm quoting this:
"Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) sent two letters to FBI Director Robert Mueller asking for the agency to explain its domestic drone program as well as the policies behind it. Assistant Director for the Office of Congressional Affairs, Stephen Kelly, responded to the lawmaker's request saying that "every request to use UAV's must be approved by senior FBI management and without a warrant the FBI will not use a UAV." Also on Friday, the Federal Aviation Administration approved drones to be used for civilian use, and RT speaks with Michael Brooks, producer of The Majority Report, about drones."

I mean, thinking about Prism, how the US government kept it as a secret, until Snowden "whistled". Can we really trust that it won't be used as another spying device, violating the human right of privacy?! I'm aware of that the US isn't the only country developing and using drones, but this is a "progress" that I feel very uncomfartable with. What happened to Democracy, Freedom of speech, Freedom of the press and the right to Privacy, etc?

More about drones:
Drones by country: who has all the UAVs? (The Guardian)
Drones Over America: What Can They See? (NPR) 

Monday, July 29, 2013

✐ Democracy Now! - Edward Snowden

Democracy Now, July 29 - 2013
Holder Tells Russia Snowden Won't Face Torture or Death, But Does U.S. Record Undermine Its Pledge?
"The Obama administration has assured Russia that NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden will not be executed or tortured if he is sent back to the United States. In a letter to his Russian counterpart, Attorney General Eric Holder said Snowden does not face the death penalty and would not even if charged with additional crimes. Holder said his assurances eliminate the grounds for Snowden's asylum bid in Russia and said the United States is prepared to issue him a passport valid for returning to the United States. "It's sad that the U.S. has to [promise] it won't torture people or kill, but in fact it's meaningless," says Michael Ratner, president emeritus of the Center for Constitutional Rights and a lawyer for WikiLeaks' Julian Assange. "It's not necessarily enforceable by Snowden, but even more importantly, think about how the U.S. defines torture. The U.S. doesn't really think that anything it did under the Bush era was torture with the exception possibly of waterboarding. So that means Snowden can be subjected to every enhanced interrogation techniques -- lights on all the time, loud noise, cold temperatures, hot temperatures, strapped into a chair. Second, it doesn't say anything in the letter we won't put him into some underground cell and keep him there the rest of his life."

✐ America - Rammstein


Friday, July 26, 2013

✐ Freedom of speech for US citizens?

I found this video on YouTube, it's a press conference with a State Department spokeswoman, the journalists are trying very hard to get an answer out of her. The question is; "Does Edward Snowden have the right to freedom of speech?"
"Tensions are high as NSA leaker Edward Snowden officially submitted application for temporary asylum in Russia on Tuesday. After Russian and international human rights advocates and lawyers met with Snowden at Moscow's Sheremetyevo airport on Friday, the US said it was disappointed in Russia for considering the whistleblowers asylum. During a daily press briefing State Department spokeswoman, Jen Psaki was given a thorough grilling on the Snowden affair by journalists, including AP's Matthew Lee and CNN's Elise Labott and was left lost for words at almost every turn."


"U.S. House of Representatives voted down a proposal to stop the NSA program that systematically collecting telephone records of millions of Americans. The distribution of votes in the House was 205 in favor, while 217 voters were opposed."
Source: IDG News (Swedish)

So the NSA can continue with it's spying on everyone, regardless if they're terrorists or not. The American dream have become the American nightmare.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

✐ Beer helps me sleep

I can understand why people suffering from PTSD often use alcoholic beverages to be able to cope with their traumatic experiences. I have never been diagnosed with PTSD, but my whole life, from early childhood to adulthood (my 10 years abroad) have been one big road of traumatic experiences.

I've been through 6 years of psychotherapy, just to deal with a traumatic childhood. It worked for awhile, then I left Sweden for 10 years and managed to get myself into more traumatic situations. Back in Sweden, mid 90s, I started to take medicines, that worked for 4-5 years, but slowly the meds stopped to have the same effect. I'm still on meds but they don't help all the way.

Not when I sleep and the subconscious takes over and keeps repeating the same dream over and over, my recurring nightmare. In order for me to sleep a dreamless sleep, is when I have been drinking beer or other alcoholic beverages. That's an observation I did after friday nights beer drinking. Such a relief to not have that damn dream, even though I was ill with a hangover the next day. It was worth it.

I'm not drinking very often, during the past 6 months, I've been drinking on 3 occasions. Alcohol is not my first choice when it comes to "drugs", I don't really like it, but it definitely helps me sleep whitout any dreams, it's more like bitter medicine. I can't drink it every day, but sometimes I really need a break and then I will drink.

Friday, July 12, 2013

✐ My recurring nightmares... again

My recurring nightmares I've had for 20 years, that I wrote about in an earlier post has been haunting me really bad lately. I did manage to see the nighmares as "movies" for awhile, but I think I just supressed them. They came back and more stronger, I can wake up several times a night, with a pounding heart and full of anxiety. Last night in my dream, I was stuck on an airport whitout any money, wanting to go "home" but not being able to.

Night after the night the same nightmare, for 20 years now and they've become more frequent and more horrifying, the past year. I always wake up, feeling exhausted and I hate to wake up at 4 am from a nightmare and not being able to go back to sleep. It's not possible when my body is in a state of fear, my heart is pounding and I have the feeling I just want to run away. I've been told by others in the past, that I often talk or scream when I sleep.

Feel like I'm close to being at the end of my rope, I'm always tired, have no energy or wanting to do anything, I've lost interest in almost everything. My anxiety is worse than ever and I don't see any "happy" future in front of me. I'm stuck in "hell". 

My emotions are frozen, I can't cry or laugh, I have closed the doors to other people, isolated myself. The only way out I can see is death, I've had enough of this world and myself. I'm exactly the same age as when my mother died of a heart attack in her sleep, I wish it would happen to me, she was suffering and now I'm suffering, I want to this to end. I've had enough.

Fuck this, I found an escape, beer and music in Second Life....want to find out more? Click 'Second Life' at the top, live reporting from there.

Found this video on YouTube, not that I feel it is much of a help, just an understanding what's happening in the brain. From The Brain Channel

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

✐ Mainstream Media and Independent Media

So, the elephant is out and with that I mean USA, NSA, Prism and Edward Snowden, before that it was Wikileaks and Julian Assange. Well not so much of surprise, governments all over the world keep secrets or lies to their citizens, also in the western "democratic" countries. In my opinion these "whistleblowers" are "the good guys", sacrificing their own lifes, by revealing these shady businesses, some governments are carrying out. And thanks to the independent media to make us aware about it. The Guardian - Glenn Greenwald
"The Guardian is part of the GMG Guardian Media Group of newspapers, radio stations, print media including The Observer Sunday newspaper, The Guardian Weekly international newspaper, and new media—Guardian Abroad website, and guardian.co.uk. All the aforementioned were owned by The Scott Trust, a charitable foundation existing between 1936 and 2008, which aimed to ensure the paper's editorial independence in perpetuity, maintaining its financial health to ensure it did not become vulnerable to take overs by for-profit media groups."
Source: Wikipedia
I have had doubts about mainstream media's credibility for quite awhile. In some cases I know for a fact that they don't tell you the whole story or angles the news in a way that serves their purposes, and who knows what they are. In my baggage I have 1 semester of Media and Communication Studies (Uni), I've learnt to examine all kinds of media with a critical mind and that knowledge is important, you need to know who owns the media, where they get their money from, etc.

Media is a powerful tool in all societies of the world, even in the so called "democratic" countries. We're exposed to propaganda all the time through main stream media, some western countries are worse than others. Don't fool yourself because you live in a "democratic" western country, that you are not exposed to propaganda, because you are. I have found some independent news channels on YouTube, I don't know if they tell the "truth", but I find it enlightening to listen or read from a range of different sources

We need a free and independent press and media, it's their duty to scrutinize what the governments and their departments are doing. In all democratic countries, one of the most important amendments is the first; 'Freedom of the press' as well as 'Freedom of speech'. The sources or "whistleblowers" have a right to be anonymous and protected.

Democracy Now!
Democracy Now! is a United States daily progressive, nonprofit, independently syndicated program of news, analysis, and opinion.
"For true democracy to work, people need easy access to independent, diverse sources of news and information. But the last two decades have seen unprecedented corporate media consolidation. The U.S. media was already fairly homogeneous in the early 1980s: some fifty media conglomerates dominated all media outlets, including television, radio, newspapers, magazines, music, publishing and film. In the year 2000, just six corporations dominated the U.S. media."

RTAmerica
RT, also known as Russia Today, is an international multilingual Russian-based television network. It is registered as an autonomous non-profit organization, funded by the federal budget of Russia through the Federal Agency on Press and Mass Communications of the Russian Federation. (Putin & Co)
"RT America broadcasts from studios in Washington, DC. We report on the other side of the story, not making any conclusions, but raising the unanswered questions."
NOTE! Not an indpendent media source. I've noticed that some of their news stories are biased, specially when it's about immigrants, and particularly when it's about muslims, and other things.



YouTube Playlist: USA + NSA + Prism - Edward Snowden

Thursday, June 6, 2013

✐ Summertime...

After a very long, cold and a snowy winter, summer has finally arrived in Sweden. If you ever going to visit this northern hemisphere, this is the time.

So yesterday I had to leave my comfort zone and travel to the nearest Police Station to renew my passport/identity-card. I had already booked a time on the web, so it went really fast. But I was a bit early, so I sat down on a bench outside and just enjoyed the weather. Speaking about 'benches', I've lost a lot of weight the past 3 months, specially on my butt. I could actually feel my bones, sitting on that bench and it kind of hurt. The protective 'fat cushion' I once had there is gone. Now I'm just waiting for the fat to vanish from my belly, my body have always had the tendency to store fat there first, so I guess that's the last that will go.

The view from where I'm sitting on the bench, outside the Police Station. This is actually the first photo I've taken with my Android phone since I bought it a year ago.


Tuesday, May 21, 2013

✐ We are the champions...

So Sweden didn't win the Eurovision song contest (didn't think so either). But we won the World Cup in Ice Hockey. There was a big celebration for the players in Stockholm yesterday.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

✐ Memories

I couldn't help but to think of you today. The first semi-final of the Eurovision song contest, that takes place in Sweden this year, because of Loreen (Euphoria) winning the contest last year.  I watched it alone. Happy that your country made it to the finals.

Also it's 5 years ago I had to get a passport so I could visit you. The past few years I've used it as an identity card, but it's expiring in June. So I have to apply for a new passport, visiting the same place as I did 5 years ago.Then I was so much in love, full of dreams and hope...
Now I'm going there just because of necessity, I need a  document to be able identify myself in the society I live in.

These songs are for, what used to be "us".


Wednesday, May 1, 2013

✐ Dreams are like movies

Something did happen after the latest hypnocompic dream I had. I sleep so much better now, I still dream a lot, but I have been able to detach myself from the dreams. Instead of being caught up in them, they have become "movies" that I watch every night. Sometimes I've even laughed in my sleep, some of the "dreams" are funny.

I think I made a semi-conscious decision to not pay so much attention to my dreams. I realized they were just chatter from my mind, and the mind is tricky, bringing up all my past traumas during my sleep. My "witness" woke up and started to laugh, saying; "You fool, the past is the past, there is only here and now, how could you forget"

I know where this focus on my dreams comes from, psychotherapy. I started with it when I was 18 for 2 years, then I quit for a  year or two until I found a new psychotherapist and I went through 4 years of psychodynamic psychotherapy. A large part of that therapy was dream analysis, so I guess that so many years of conditioning and at a young age, really had an impact on me. I mean, altogether 6 years of psychotherapy, when I was 26 years old...

Yeah, I had a traumatic childhood too... (go figure)

Friday, April 26, 2013

✐ I am not from this world

Why think thus O men of piety
I have returned to sobriety
I am neither a Moslem nor a Hindu
I am not Christian, Zoroastrian, nor Jew

I am neither of the West nor the East
Not of the ocean, nor an earthly beast
I am neither a natural wonder
Nor from the stars yonder

Neither flesh of dust, nor wind inspire
Nor water in veins, nor made of fire
I am neither an earthly carpet, nor gems terrestrial
Nor am I confined to Creation, nor the Throne Celestial

Not of ancient promises, nor of future prophecy
Not of hellish anguish, nor of paradisic ecstasy
Neither the progeny of Adam, nor Eve
Nor of the world of heavenly make-believe

My place is the no-place
My image is without face
Neither of body nor the soul
I am of the Divine Whole.

I eliminated duality with joyous laughter
Saw the unity of here and the hereafter
Unity is what I sing, unity is what I speak
Unity is what I know, unity is what I seek

Intoxicated from the chalice of Love
I have lost both worlds below and above
Sole destiny that comes to me
Licentious mendicity

In my whole life, even if once
Forgot His name even per chance
For that hour spent, for such moment
I'd give my life, and thus repent

Beloved Master, Shams-e Tabrizi
In this world with Love I'm so drunk
The path of Love isn't easy
I am shipwrecked and must be sunk.

--  Jalal ad-Din Rumi - I am not from this world


Sunday, April 7, 2013

✐ My busy subconscious mind during "sleep"

I've had a period now when my mind have been very busy during my sleep, processing past experiences, traumas, etc. I also have one dream that's recurrent and have been for almost 20 years now. I think it's connected with my 10 years abroad and what I experienced during those years. The settings in the dream can vary, but the emotions are always the same. 

The dream:
I'm in a foreign country and I want to go "home". I don't have any return ticket and no money. I want to pack my suitcase with all the things that I'm attached to, but the suitcase is always too small. Those nights when I get past these obstacles, new problems occurs. I'm trying to catch a flight, train or buss so I can travel home, but I always miss it. When I've managed to come "home" nothing is the same, everything has changed and I feel disappointed. There is so much anxiety, fear, anger, feeling lost, a feeling of not belonging anywhere or feeling homeless, in these dreams. Also some parts of the dream actually happened for real. I lived like a gypsy for 10 years and I did have some traumatic experiences during that period of my life.

So my subconscious mind have been processing these traumas for almost 20 years, but lately the dreams have become more intense and I have them almost every night.

Last night I had the dream, but just before waking up I felt so fed up with it, so I decided to walk away. Now I was in the hypnopompic state and the dream became very vivid. All of a sudden I was inside of a computer game where you have to fight to reach the next level. I felt so disappointed. When I walked away I was hoping for some peace, but now I was on a new level, standing on a platform with a big device with many buttons on it, in front of me. I felt stuck and frustrated over the fact that I had to keep on "fighting", the game wasn't over yet, I had only reached a new level. And the buttons on the device represents choices, what button should I press now...?

Still lost...

Fed up...

Want it to end now!!!

Saturday, April 6, 2013

✐ Update on my toothache

I promised an update about my toothache in the post from March 6, Toothache. Well what to say... the pain on the right side is gone. Now I have the exact same pain, same tooth but on the left side. *big sigh*  I'm so fed up with this and I don't have the energy to write about the theories why this is. Also the 6th of April is my mothers birthday, if she hadn't passed away from a heartattack 1990, at age 56...

I found another "Dental Video" in F-Divas collection that I'm listening to now Dental foci, Dental infection, Toothache, etc (Isochronic Tones 47,5 Hz) Pure Series

I'm aware of that my damaged teeth won't be fixed, or that new teeth will be growing, by listening to isochronic tones. At some point I'm going to have to go to the dentist, but as I wrote earlier, dental work in Sweden is very expensive, specially the dental work I need. I just need something that may help me cope with the pain. I still don't have the money to pay a dentist.

Sweden is a great country to live in *ironi*. Health insurance for the rest of the body, but not for anything that concern the mouth, teeth, gums and jawbone, even though it's attached to the rest of the body and share the same bloodstream.

And yes, I am aware of that people in other countries may suffer worse than I, (spoiled western brat). I don't live in a warzone, I'm not forced to flee to a refugee camp. I have a roof over my head, I can buy food, talk about food, sorry but I can't eat any solid foods because of my dental problems. I've already lost a lot of weight, if this is going to keep on, I'll soon be starved and malnutrioned, as other people born and living in less fortunate countries and circumstances. But still my pain feels real and it hurts like hell. All is relative, I guess.

I'm so fed up and tired.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

✐ My names...

Voff Uggla is the name I gave my avatar when I joined the Second Life Virtual Community, February 2007. Meaning: 'The barking owl'.

I also have a spiritual name that was given to me summer 1983, Ma Prem Achambho. Meaning: 'Ms. Love and Wonder'. Achambho is also one of my legal names.

The first name I was given, was by my parents. Even though my father is a strict and steadfast atheist, he and my mother named me; Eva. A name from the bible... Adam and Eve?! But they didn't name my brother Adam...lol

When I was 16 years old I changed the 'v' in Eva to a 'w', prononced the same in Swedish. I wanted to be cool and thought Ewa looked better. My father still spells Ewa with a 'v'.

For 10 years I was hanging with people that only knew me as Achambho, I got used to that name. So I made it legal 1989. My legal first names are: Achambho Ewa.

The purpose of giving me a spiritual name was that I shouldn't identify myself with my old name and old life. Now I realized that it didn't matter so much, I listen when I hear Achambho and Ewa.

Now I've been Voff for 6 years and I have several different nicknames on the web. I don't identify myself with any of my names, I understand that names are necessary for a practical reason, living in a society, in the world, etc. In a way, my names have no meaning to me, but it's not all true. I wouldn't like it if someone else gave me a name or a number, I had to use.I've accepted the two names given to me, at my physical bith and my spiritual birth.

Oh, I almost forgot I have an Arabic name as well, I don't remember it though. I had to convert to Islam when I and my ex Persian husband wanted to travel to Iran and visit his family. That happened 1994, I stayed with him and his family in Isfahan (Esfahan) for 2 months.

-- Voff - Ewa - Achambho :-)

Monday, March 11, 2013

✐ My teeth again...

This problem with my teeth is worse than I thought. I've noticed that I have them clenched together during sleep, that will explain the pain I have in my jaw, face, neck and shoulder. In my right upper jaw, one of the canine teeth is broken off, the tooth root is still there but there is a gap. So during sleep, with my jaw clenched and the teeth grinding together unevenly, no wonder I'm in pain. I've also noticed that my hands are clenched during sleep, I wake up with my hands as fists. 

So my teeth problems and sleep problems are connected. As I wrote in an earlier post; "sleep is not rest for me", no wonder, if both my jaw and hands are so tense that they become clenched during my "sleep". I have a theory about that; I don't think I get enough deep sleep but too much REM-sleep...!?

This is also effecting my eating habits, when the pain is really bad I can't eat solid foods. Some days I don't eat anything, I only drink lot's of water. I've lost quite a lot of weight since Christmas and I keep losing it. The "menopause fat" is decreasing, which is not so bad. But I don't want to suffer from malnutrition, so I've bought "nutrition drinks" with lot's of protein from the pharmacy.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

✐ Toothache

So I've mentioned that I suffer from tootache in previous posts, but it seems to come and go. Around Christmas it was really bad, then it was managable for awhile until a few days ago. Now I have this excruciating pain again... (I'm in horrible pain atm, difficult to write) I feel the pain from the top of my head down to my shoulders on the right side of my body, my eye, ear, jaw, neck, etc. I can't afford to go to the dentist, I only have acess to "over the counter painkillers", which doesn't help much when the pain is this bad.

So from today I'm going to test Brainwave Entrainment, Isochronic Tones. I have one video uploaded on YouTube Dental foci, Dental infection, Toothache. This is an experiment I do, to find out if Brainwave Entrainment and in particulat the videos I'm uploading actually have any  effect, if it works. I will listen for 15 minutes every day for a month. Starting now!

I get back to you about this matter on April 6.

UPDATE! (03-13-13)
I have listened every day, 15 minutes, for 8 days now. Too early to say if it works or not.

UPDATE (03-21-13)
I'm still listening every day for 15 minutes. The excruciating pain is gone, no painkillers for a week. But... I'm also very careful with what I choose to eat, only one meal a day, where I have to chew. Then I drink 'nutrition drinks' with protein for the other 2 meals and lot's of water, 2-3 liters/day.

Update, April 6 

Saturday, February 9, 2013

✐ In the Dark - Reaching for the light

I created this picture back in 2009, just found it when I looked through all the pics I've made. I felt it was perfect to illustrate how I feel at the moment. A lot has happened inisde of me since I started to meditate to Isochronic Tones, and still is. Many past experiences and traumas manifest themselves in my dreams, that's where I process them. While sleeping I can have nightmares, waking up from them with the feeling of pain, hurt, fear and helplessnes. Then I go back to sleep after a few hours and end up in the exact same dream, but I've been able to change the dreams, giving me my power back.

All these "cleansing dreams" I've experienced lately, have taken it's toll on me, I feel exhausted. So I haven't had the energy to upload videos on YouTube, but I will continue as soon as I feel more energy again.

Dreams have always been a big part of my life, that's where I process "stuff". I remember dreams from my childhood, dreams that I had when I was 4 years old. Also, I recently had a dream about someone's (close to my family) death, that person died last week. Maybe there's a rational explanation for these type of dreams, but it feels a bit scary, sometimes I'm afraid to go to sleep, I have no idea where I will end up in my dreams. Sleep is not rest for me, my subconscious mind and psyche is working on overdrive and I wake up either with a pounding heart or just exhausted.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

✐ In the Hypnopompic state

"A hypnopompic state (or hypnopomp) is the state of consciousness leading out of sleep, a term coined by the psychical researcher Frederic Myers. When the awakening occurs out of rapid eye movement (REM) sleep, in which most dreams occur, the hypnopompic state is sometimes accompanied by lingering vivid imagery. Some of the creative insights attributed to dreams actually happen in this moment of awakening from REM."
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypnopompia

I have experienced this "space", it's exactly between sleep and awakening. How to explain this to not sound totally "crazy"... Here it goes, I can get some kind of messages in this space, it doesn't happen very often, but it did happened twice last year (2012). The first one is too personal, all I can say about it, it turned out to be for my benefit, after 10 months.

The second "message" is more of the esoteric kind, it happened one morning (September 16 - 2012). I heard, felt, experienced, someone, something... okay some kind of voice, telling me a year (2015). Just before waking up I asked about the date and the "voice" told me. I woke up and had the feeling that this was an important date, I have no idea what it means, maybe it's just personal and only concerning my life. I googled on the day and the only thing I could find, that there was going to be a total 2 minute solar eclipse a few days later (March 20 - 2015), off the coast of the Faroe Islands. The day that came to me in the hypnopompic state, was; March 12 - 2015.

So now is the question, what will happen in March 12 - 2015, maybe nothing, I don't know. The four "esoteric" dreams I've had through my life, have only concerned my life. The first one came when I was 18 when my mothers aunt suffered from a stroke and died from it a few months later. The second one, at age 33, came when my mother passed away in a heart attack only 56 years old...

At that time I was living on Maui, Hawaii and my mother lived in Sweden. A friend of mine and I decided to go camping over the weekend, to a beautiful place on Maui, called; The Seven Sacred Pools. One night I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs in the tent, scaring my friend. I had dreamt that I died and was stuck in a kind of "bubble", knowing I was dead, but being conscious. It was a horrible nightmare but I din't think more about it until we came home. When I got that phonecall nobody want's to get, it was my father, crying and telling me that my mother had suffered from a heart attack and passed away in her sleep.

That was a turning point in my life, I had one life before her death and another one, not so happy after. It took me many years to get over it, I'm not even sure I am over it even now. The shock, the pain, the grief is gone all the initial feelings you experience when someone close to you dies. I developed a chronic depression instead, very similar to the dream I had on Maui, feeling disconnected from life but at the same time being conscious about it.

So my guess is that the date I "dreamed" about only will have an effect on my life (if anything happens?).

Thursday, January 3, 2013

✐ The 10th Day...

So it's still "Christmas" in Sweden, only 4 days more to go. My toothache is still bothering me, not as bad as last week, didn't take any painkillers yesterday. But I feel Ihave an infection in my mouth and jawbone, the taste in my mouth is awful, can just imagine how bad the smell must be. And lucky me, getting a toothache during the 2 week Swedish "Christmas Celebration", when everything is closed. I have been able to cope with the pain, with 'over the counter painkillers', I really didn't want to go to the Dental Emergency Clinic and wait for, who knows, how many hours. 

The other problem is the cost, in Sweden they separate the mouth and teeth from the rest of the body, we have a public health inscurance, but it does NOT cover any dental problems!!! I guess the Swedish authorities doesn't know that the mouth and the rest of the body share the same bloodstream. In worst case you have to wait for the infection to spread to other parts of your body, then you can go to a hospital and have it taken care of unless the infection have spread to your heart and you suffer from a heart attack and die. Hm...guess that will be cheaper for the government. 

I just had to get that off my chest, what I really wanted to write about is that I have rearranged this blog and added a page "Isochronic Tones". That page is empty atm, but soon I'll write something. There are 2 pages where I have added (SL) to the title, it means it's Second Life related. 

Well that's all for now, have a "Happy Epiphany Day" *evil grin*

UPDATE (01-11-12)
The page "Isochronic Tones" have been updated.

UPDATE (03-13-13)
I've created a new blog for Second Life, the posts are still in this blog, but I have linked them to the Second Life Blog.If I ever get active in SL again ( which I doubt) I'll be writing there.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

✐ "Happy" (?) "New Year" (?)

I find it difficult to wish everyone a "Happy New Year". Why?... Well first of all how do you define the word Happy, it's subjective, what's happy for me may not be happy for someone else. Second; nobody is happy all the time, life goes up and down. Without the downs, you wouldn't know that you are happy and vice versa. And then we have the "New Year", it's man made from the Gregorian Calender (I think), it's just a way for us humans to be able to make sense of time, more of a practical thing. Based on  the past, the moment and the future. I was going to say that the Universe have no time, that it's eternal, but then I googled on it, and found that it's much more complicated than that. Many different theories Philosophy of Time

I don't celebrate "The New Year", but others around me does and that is just a nuisance to me. The week before, fire crackers/works all the time with it's culmination at 12 on New Years Eve. So much noise, the time between Christmas and New Year's is the worst time of the year, I hate it. Yes I know, I'm the "Christmas/New Years Grinch". And on top of it all, Christmas isn't over yet, not in Sweden, here it's a 2 week "celebration" that ends after Epiphany Day (13th day after Jesus birth). In one of the worlds most secularised country!!!

Next Monday, everything will go back to "normal".