Saturday, July 2, 2016

✐ Update July - 2016

Intolerance, self-glorified ignorance
It sucks you down with your face pushed against the fence
Why don't you finish yourself, since you don't really care?
Let the screams in your head be the last things you hear.

Just go..

Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?

(What the fuck is wrong with you?....)

Part of me (part of me!)
Suffocates (suffocates!)
Intolerate (intolerate!)
No one is innocent
Experience (experience!)
Intolerance (intolerance!)
Familiar (familiar!)
Screaming faces

No one is innocent!

Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?

(What the fuck is wrong with you?....)

Why don't you finish yourself,
since you don't really care?
Let the screams in your head
be the last things you hear!

Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?

(What the fuck is wrong with you?....)

Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
[repeat to end]

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

✐ Update January 2015

As you may have noticed, I'm not so active here... I'm going through a major life change atm, I don't have the energy to write. Also the Snowden/NSA revelations have affected me, I don't feel like exposing my private life anymore.
More activity here: Google+

Friday, August 29, 2014

✐ Living with a chronic "Severe Depression"

I'm extremely self destructive at the moment. What to say, but I think there should be legal clinics for assisted suicide, I mean you're allowed to change gender in some western counties, so why aren't there clinics for assisted suicide...??! They could be set up similar to gender change, but with an age limit, 55+, and then after 1 year in psychotherapy. After that time, if you still want to end you're life,there should be a clinic for us that want's to end our lifes in a "proper" way. I mean how fun is it to find a loved one or a realtive, that hanged him/her self, or threw themselves in front of a train, etc, etc.

Update January 2 - 2015
I took a quiz, my score was 71.
"Based upon your responses to this depression quiz, you appear to be suffering from a severe depression. People who have answered similarly to you typically qualify for a diagnosis of major depression and have sought professional treatment for this disorder."
I'm not surprised, I have had several episodes of depression since I was 14 years old. I don't have episodes of depression anymore, I'm depressed all the time now and it gets worse for every year.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

✐ Woke up with this song in my head, 3 AM this morning

So my first post, this year 2014, I haven't had the energy to write anything. My chronic depression took a deep dive just before Christmas, didn't celebrate any of the "big" days, I slept through all the fireworks on New Years Eve. I also had an excrutiating toothache during the Christmas week, then when I finally was weened off the "over the counter painkillers", I got a cold, so back on the painkillers again...

So apart from some physical issues, my thoughts and mind have been buried in the darkness of the ocean bottom, reflecting over the future of my own (toothless) life as well of what's happening in the world. I only see the beginning of a dark world, it will get darker. All the conflicts in the world, people suffering, in Syria, Afganistan,the Philippines, parts of Africa, etc... The rich getting richer, and the poor... Mother Earth getting raped...

And all the hate growing in Europe, this year we have election to the EU parlament and so many 'far right wing parties', nazis, racists are more then ready to grab some of those seats. One of them, the greek party, The Golden Dawn, of course they're dependent on the Greek peoples votes, but my guess is that they will get enough votes to make it into the European parlament. I can understand why, the people in Greece have had to pay a high price for what incompenent and corrupt politicians have done to the country. Then we have Hungary, France, etc... so many unhappy European citizens.

Fuck politicians, they make laws and agreements, that may look good on paper, but they forget that there are millions of human beings that gets affected, who struggle to make ends meet. Politicians the new elit or "nobles" who sits on their high thrones in Brussels making decisions over our heads. The Europen Union was thought to be a garanti for "peace", I think it will be the opposite. I'm not "right" or "left" or in the middle, I'm human, there is no political party for me.

Almost forgot, we have election in Sweden as well, the last political poll showed that the racist party 'Sweden Democrats' was the third largets party....  go figure.

And then the surveillance states, including Sweden's FRA, USA's NSA and whatever the name is of UK's national security service... and who knows how many other countries participates in this shady business. I did get too involved in that shit last year, wrote blog posts, tweeted, G-plussed, made playlists on YouTube, etc. I'm not anymore, made me too depressed. Good thing though, the televised Swedish news are reporting about it now. I'm not using my smartphone, (no apps), well I wasn't doing it before the Snowden documents either, but that was because it used too much battery and I don't need a "mini computer" to make phone calls, my 7 year old Nokia works fine.

So to the grand finale of this depressing and negative post, the video:

Monday, October 21, 2013

✐ Economic Collapse & The Rise of Fascist & Racist Elements

I've just watched this video from 'Storm Clouds Gathering', a very terrifying future scenario. Watch the video on youTube and then read the 'Top Comments', that is REALLY scary.

In 2010 we had election in Sweden and the racist party ' Sweden Democrats' made it into the parlament, that was a shocking result for me. So I made a picture in Second Life and uploaded it on Flickr and wrote about my thoughts and feelings in the description. I'm quoting a part of the description here:
"Didn't people learn anything from the time when Hitler and his National Socialist German Workers Party (NSDAP) began their journey to gain power. It was the German citizens who voted for his party. In May 1928 the NSDAP had 2.6 % of the votes, from 810,100 Germans and 12 seats in the parlament, on March 6,1933 the NSDAP increased its result to 43.9% of the votes, from 17,277,000 Germans and 288 seats in the parlament.
Please!!! Let's not repeat this ugly history. At that time it was about the jews, however this can happen in other countries to any ethnic group."
Racist party in the Swedish Parlament (Flickr)
I say it again, please let's not repeat the most horryfing and appalling era of what the hideous crimes mankind are able to carry out. So much hate and ignorance, why do they consider 'whites' being the supreme race, stupidity I guess. I feel ashamed about my own race, there's no difference between skin colors, it's evolution, the genes in our body that have evolved to fit the enviroment we live in.

More to read HERE!

Here's the video from YouTube, but watch it on YouTube so you can read the comments.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

✐ Prisoners of our brain

I may have written earler that I only have 4 TV Channels and one of them is the 'Knowledge Channel' that I watch quite frequently. They broadcast lectures from different Swedish universities. Here you will find new discoveries in medicine, take note of the public debate and follow popular science lectures with some of Sweden's most prominent speakers.

Anyway, on Sunday I listened to a very interesing lecture, that somehow had a real impact on me, can't stop to think about what he said and I would really like ot watch that lecture again. 
The Lecture was called:
"From Stone Age man to the present. What is the real sense? What do we perceive the real and what is unreal? Sverre Sjolander, zoologist, tells us how important it is that all the signals to the brain works so that we understand our world. Organizer: University of Linköping."

He said that the perception of reality is a mental construction and that we're bascially prisoners of our brain.
"Our culture is the first in history to have corrected the map for the terrain that is the case until someone draws the better. Konrad Lorenz merged Kant and Darwin: The image of the world is a subjective opinion, but of all possible views, the closest to reality a survival value that is passed on.
How are we designed to perceive the world in one way or another? No culture before us have discovered the fact that "if the map does not reflect reality as we draw on the map"! A widespread approach only from the 1700s. But even the perception of reality is a mental construction. It's just that it has proven to have the best explanatory power than any other so far fabricated structures!

We formulate a conception of the world that can be falsified. The idea we have is the one that best explains reality right now until someone finds a better which falsifies the old. Why is our culture, the only one who did this? Everything that goes on in reality is just an idea in my brain. It's just in my head."
Source: Sverre Sjolander: A zoologs worldview | Humanist West (In Swedish)
I found the video online, he's speaking English. I don't know if the video is accessible in all countries 
From Stone Age man to the present

Some quotes from the lecture:
 "The function of animal cocnition is not to represent reality, it is to allow the animal to act in an adaptive way.
-- Source: Konrad Lorens

"The difference between a hallucinating lunatic and a normal person is not that one hallucinates and the other perceives reality. Both are hallucinating, but in the normal person the hallucinating is in close resonance with reality"
He says that we're always are hallucinating, but his hallucination is in resonance with reality.
-- Source: Sverre Sjölander

Monday, September 16, 2013

✐ Man In The Mirror

This is an all time favorite song, the lyrics are beautiful and Michael Jackson sings it very well.
"The song was composed by Glen Ballard and Siedah Garrett. Jackson added background vocals from Garrett, The Winans and the Andrae Crouch Choir, which gave the song its distinctive sound. The song is said to be one of his favorite songs. Arranged with a gospel choir. The song is played in the key of G Major at a tempo of 100bpm. The vocal range is Ab3-C6. The recording was produced by Quincy Jones and co-produced by Jackson."
Source: Wikipedia
"I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And Then Make A Change

Thursday, September 12, 2013

✐ Celebration

Wohoo. more than 200 000 views on my YouTube Channel :-D... And 988 subsribers... :-D Okay I'm not making any money from being a YouTube partner, but as said earlier, that was never my intent. This is just my ego celebrating all the views and the amount of subscribers, surprise, I have an ego as well, not so proud about it though. Also the videos I'm uploading aren't my creations anyway, so... all credit to Na'ven Goodkarma (FingerprintDIVA).

Update September 16 - 2013
Big smile, I've finally reached the magical nr (amount) of 1000 subscribers.

Friday, September 6, 2013

✐ My teeth and weight loss

I haven't written anything about my teeth for awhile, so here's an update. I have not been to the dentist, I don't have the money to pay for the extensive work my teeth needs. Last time I saw a dentist was in the mid 90s, but I have taken care of my teeth, brushed and flossed. One of the problems have been that I'm taking medicines that makes my mouth dry. Also when I started to get toothache, I think I flossed my teeth too much, at least 20 minutes after each meal, which led to that the fillings I had fell apart. So the teeth that had fillings, have broken, the teeth are gone but the roots are still there. I have only 2 canines left in my upper right jaw, on the left I know one of them is gonna break soon, I can feel the gap where there once have been a filling.

Anyway, about 6 months ago, I was so fed up with the toothache so I decided to only eat one solid meal a day, breakfast. Then I fast for 24 hrs, drinking protein drinks and lot's of water, I've been doing this for 6 months now and I've lost so much weight and keep losing it. Now I can wear clothes I haven't been able to for 20 years and I feel the bones in my body that was covered in fat before. I've no idea how much weight I've lost, I don't have a scale, maybe 10-15 kilos...?!

Recently I've come across news articles about the 5:2 diet, when I started I had no idea about it. For me it was about avoiding toothache and that have worked, no pain in my teeth for a long time now. However, since I'm on such a low calorie diet (for 6 months), I have experienced hunger pains, specially in the evenings. But compared to toothache, hunger pains are nothing. My whole relationship to food have changed, now I basically see it as way to give my body as much nutrients it needs. I've lost my attachment to food being a way to socialize or using it as a way for comfort, etc. Some food I feel disgusted by, specially meat, seeing a raw piece of meat makes me feel sick. I don't have any "food" cravings anymore, but I do feel hunger sometimes.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

✐ Big Steve from England - In Sweden

I found his channel on YouTube and the videos are really fun, and exactly what I need in contrast to all the News Channels I watched lately. Sometimes you really need a good laugh. Big Steve is visiting the north of Sweden, making a film.
"I'm currently in North Sweden shooting a TV-Show called the Blackyoumentary.
The clips on this channel are the build up, to let everyone see the different things, that I'm testing and experiencing, while living here in the north of Sweden. The Blackyoumentary will be realesed on TV next year. So until then, keep watching my channel and please subscribe."
So here's Big Steve from England - YouTube Channel

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

✐ What a Wonderful World - Is it...?!

Louis Armstrong was one of my mothers favorite artists. This song makes me think about her but I'm also questioning myself if the world is wonderful. My answer to that is NO, I hate this world, I can't wait until my life is over, I want it to end now. Yeah sure I'm aware of that I suffer from major chronic depression, however maybe I'm not sick, I mean look at what's happening in the world and at the history of mankind. How can you not feel depressed about it?

My mother suffered from major chronic depression as well, she grew up in Sweden during WWII, okay so we were not invaded by the nazis, we were so called "neutral" (yeah sure). After the war ended and all the horryfying crimes that the nazis had carried out, came out to the public, must have affected all people of that generation. It definetly had an impact on my mother, she always said that the world was an ugly place.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

❤ Mamma ❤

Today it's exactly 23 years ago (1990) my mother passed away in her sleep from a heart attack. I was living on Maui, Hawaii when it happened, I got that phone call you never want to get. Talking to my crying father on the phone, telling me that he found her dead in her bed in the morning. That was a shock for me that I never really recovered from, there I was on the other side of the planet, trying to deal with the "news". I was in some sort of haze the first month, I have dreamlike memories of the first weeks, feels really weird when I think back. Something inside of me died when my mother passed away and that part is still dead. There was one life before and another one after her death. 

I had been living in the US for three years and after a trip to India I decided to spend the summer in Sweden before going back to the states (1989). So I did get time to spend with her for 3 months. There is one memory that's still haunting me, it was when I came to see her before leaving Sweden, when we said goodbye. We were both crying and we hugged each other for a long time, then she says: "This is the last time I will see you (please don't leave)". She was right, and part of me hate her for saying that, I'm a really sucker when it comes to guilt, but she was right...

The reason I'm writing about it today is because I'm exactly the same age as her now, when she died. For some reason my mind have been making a big deal about it...

Happy Death Day, Mom and Rest In Peace

Here's my favorite photo of my mom and I, long time ago

Sunday, August 18, 2013

✐ My favorite online TV News Show

Since I started to watch the independent medias news online, mainly on YouTube. I have come across some interesting ones. I've already mentioned 'Democracy Now!' and 'RT America' in an earlier post, but there's one more I watch a lot, The Young Turks. Their show is a bit different from the others, it's more of a News/Talk Show, than just reporting the news. They make comments and have their own opinions, they have discussions, etc. The primary host, Cenk Uygur, is really opinionated and entertaining, I've had many laughs watching/listening to him. Sometimes the whole team have a discussion about some topic, which is interesting and entertaining as well, many laughs from that studio.
"The show's name derives from the English-language phrase "Young Turk", meaning a reformist or rebellious member of an institution, movement, or political party

The Young Turks (TYT) is the name of a progressive daily news and political commentary program hosted primarily by Cenk Uygur. The show, known as The Young Turks, broadcasts via live web stream and YouTube. Politically liberal/progressive and humanist, TYT was founded in 2002 as a liberal talkshow on Sirius Satellite Radio as that radio's first original talk programming. The Young Turks claims to be the first Internet TV news show and the world's largest online news show. Video of the show is streamed daily on their website and is available as a podcast. On 20 April 2013 The Young Turks announced that their YouTube channel had received over 1 billion video views.

Writing for US News, Paul Bedard has described TYT as a group of progressive, outspoken journalists and commentators discussing politics and pop culture" and the founder Cenk Uygur as bringing a, uniquely progressive and topical commentary about politics and pop culture."  
Source: Wikipedia
My TYT Playlist - YouTube