I couldn't help but to think of you today. The first semi-final of the Eurovision song contest, that takes place in Sweden this year, because of Loreen (Euphoria) winning the contest last year. I watched it alone. Happy that your country made it to the finals.
Also it's 5 years ago I had to get a passport so I could visit you. The past few years I've used it as an identity card, but it's expiring in June. So I have to apply for a new passport, visiting the same place as I did 5 years ago.Then I was so much in love, full of dreams and hope...
Now I'm going there just because of necessity, I need a document to be able identify myself in the society I live in.
Something did happen after the latest hypnocompic dream I had. I sleep so much better now, I still dream a lot, but I have been able to detach myself from the dreams. Instead of being caught up in them, they have become "movies" that I watch every night. Sometimes I've even laughed in my sleep, some of the "dreams" are funny.
I think I made a semi-conscious decision to not pay so much attention to my dreams. I realized they were just chatter from my mind, and the mind is tricky, bringing up all my past traumas during my sleep. My "witness" woke up and started to laugh, saying; "You fool, the past is the past, there is only here and now, how could you forget"
I know where this focus on my dreams comes from, psychotherapy. I started with it when I was 18 for 2 years, then I quit for a year or two until I found a new psychotherapist and I went through 4 years of psychodynamic psychotherapy. A large part of that therapy was dream analysis, so I guess that so many years of conditioning and at a young age, really had an impact on me. I mean, altogether 6 years of psychotherapy, when I was 26 years old...
Yeah, I had a traumatic childhood too... (go figure)
Why think thus O men of piety
I have returned to sobriety
I am neither a Moslem nor a Hindu
I am not Christian, Zoroastrian, nor Jew
I am neither of the West nor the East
Not of the ocean, nor an earthly beast
I am neither a natural wonder
Nor from the stars yonder
Neither flesh of dust, nor wind inspire
Nor water in veins, nor made of fire
I am neither an earthly carpet, nor gems terrestrial
Nor am I confined to Creation, nor the Throne Celestial
Not of ancient promises, nor of future prophecy
Not of hellish anguish, nor of paradisic ecstasy
Neither the progeny of Adam, nor Eve
Nor of the world of heavenly make-believe
My place is the no-place
My image is without face
Neither of body nor the soul
I am of the Divine Whole.
I eliminated duality with joyous laughter
Saw the unity of here and the hereafter
Unity is what I sing, unity is what I speak
Unity is what I know, unity is what I seek
Intoxicated from the chalice of Love
I have lost both worlds below and above
Sole destiny that comes to me
Licentious mendicity
In my whole life, even if once
Forgot His name even per chance
For that hour spent, for such moment
I'd give my life, and thus repent
Beloved Master, Shams-e Tabrizi
In this world with Love I'm so drunk
The path of Love isn't easy
I am shipwrecked and must be sunk.
I've had a period now when my mind have been very busy during my sleep, processing past experiences, traumas, etc. I also have one dream that's recurrent and have been for almost 20 years now. I think it's connected with my 10 years abroad and what I experienced during those years. The settings in the dream can vary, but the emotions are always the same. The dream: I'm in a foreign country and I want to go "home". I don't have any return ticket and no money. I want to pack my suitcase with all the things that I'm attached to, but the suitcase is always too small. Those nights when I get past these obstacles, new problems occurs. I'm trying to catch a flight, train or buss so I can travel home, but I always miss it. When I've managed to come "home" nothing is the same, everything has changed and I feel disappointed. There is so much anxiety, fear, anger, feeling lost, a feeling of not belonging anywhere or feeling homeless, in these dreams. Also some parts of the dream actually happened for real. I lived like a gypsy for 10 years and I did have some traumatic experiences during that period of my life. So my subconscious mind have been processing these traumas for almost 20 years, but lately the dreams have become more intense and I have them almost every night. Last night I had the dream, but just before waking up I felt so fed up with it, so I decided to walk away. Now I was in the hypnopompic state and the dream became very vivid. All of a sudden I was inside of a computer game where you have to fight to reach the next level. I felt so disappointed. When I walked away I was hoping for some peace, but now I was on a new level, standing on a platform with a big device with many buttons on it, in front of me. I felt stuck and frustrated over the fact that I had to keep on "fighting", the game wasn't over yet, I had only reached a new level. And the buttons on the device represents choices, what button should I press now...? Still lost...
I promised an update about my toothache in the post from March 6, Toothache. Well what to say... the pain on the right side is gone. Now I have the exact same pain, same tooth but on the left side. *big sigh* I'm so fed up with this and I don't have the energy to write about the theories why this is. Also the 6th of April is my mothers birthday, if she hadn't passed away from a heartattack 1990, at age 56...
I'm aware of that my damaged teeth won't be fixed, or that new teeth will be growing, by listening to isochronic tones. At some point I'm going to have to go to the dentist, but as I wrote earlier, dental work in Sweden is very expensive, specially the dental work I need. I just need something that may help me cope with the pain. I still don't have the money to pay a dentist.
Sweden is a great country to live in *ironi*. Health insurance for the rest of the body, but not for anything that concern the mouth, teeth, gums and jawbone, even though it's attached to the rest of the body and share the same bloodstream.
And yes, I am aware of that people in other countries may suffer worse than I, (spoiled western brat). I don't live in a warzone, I'm not forced to flee to a refugee camp. I have a roof over my head, I can buy food, talk about food, sorry but I can't eat any solid foods because of my dental problems. I've already lost a lot of weight, if this is going to keep on, I'll soon be starved and malnutrioned, as other people born and living in less fortunate countries and circumstances. But still my pain feels real and it hurts like hell. All is relative, I guess.
Voff Uggla is the name I gave my avatar when I joined the Second Life Virtual Community, February 2007. Meaning: 'The barking owl'.
I also have a spiritual name that was given to me summer 1983, Ma Prem Achambho. Meaning: 'Ms. Love and Wonder'. Achambho is also one of my legal names.
The first name I was given, was by my parents. Even though my father is a strict and steadfast atheist, he and my mother named me; Eva. A name from the bible... Adam and Eve?! But they didn't name my brother Adam...lol
When I was 16 years old I changed the 'v' in Eva to a 'w', prononced the same in Swedish. I wanted to be cool and thought Ewa looked better. My father still spells Ewa with a 'v'.
For 10 years I was hanging with people that only knew me as Achambho, I got used to that name. So I made it legal 1989. My legal first names are: Achambho Ewa.
The purpose of giving me a spiritual name was that I shouldn't identify myself with my old name and old life. Now I realized that it didn't matter so much, I listen when I hear Achambho and Ewa.
Now I've been Voff for 6 years and I have several different nicknames on the web. I don't identify myself with any of my names, I understand that names are necessary for a practical reason, living in a society, in the world, etc. In a way, my names have no meaning to me, but it's not all true. I wouldn't like it if someone else gave me a name or a number, I had to use.I've accepted the two names given to me, at my physical bith and my spiritual birth.
Oh, I almost forgot I have an Arabic name as well, I don't remember it though. I had to convert to Islam when I and my ex Persian husband wanted to travel to Iran and visit his family. That happened 1994, I stayed with him and his family in Isfahan (Esfahan) for 2 months.
This problem with my teeth is worse than I thought. I've noticed that I have them clenched together during sleep, that will explain the pain I have in my jaw, face, neck and shoulder. In my right upper jaw, one of the canine teeth is broken off, the tooth root is still there but there is a gap. So during sleep, with my jaw clenched and the teeth grinding together unevenly, no wonder I'm in pain. I've also noticed that my hands are clenched during sleep, I wakeupwith my hands as fists. So my teeth problems and sleep problems are connected. As I wrote in an earlier post; "sleep is not rest for me", no wonder, if both my jaw and hands are so tense that they become clenched during my "sleep". I have a theory about that; I don't think I get enough deep sleep but too much REM-sleep...!? This is also effecting my eating habits, when the pain is really bad I can't eat solid foods. Some days I don't eat anything, I only drink lot's of water. I've lost quite a lot of weight since Christmas and I keep losing it. The "menopause fat" is decreasing, which is not so bad. But I don't want to suffer from malnutrition, so I've bought "nutrition drinks" with lot's of protein from the pharmacy.
So I've mentioned that I suffer from tootache in previous posts, but it seems to come and go. Around Christmas it was really bad, then it was managable for awhile until a few days ago. Now I have this excruciating pain again... (I'm in horrible pain atm, difficult to write) I feel the pain from the top of my head down to my shoulders on the right side of my body, my eye, ear, jaw, neck, etc. I can't afford to go to the dentist, I only have acess to "over the counter painkillers", which doesn't help much when the pain is this bad.
So from today I'm going to test Brainwave Entrainment, Isochronic Tones. I have one video uploaded on YouTube Dental foci, Dental infection, Toothache. This is an experiment I do, to find out if Brainwave Entrainment and in particulat the videos I'm uploading actually have any effect, if it works. I will listen for 15 minutes every day for a month. Starting now!
I get back to you about this matter on April 6.
UPDATE! (03-13-13)
I have listened every day, 15 minutes, for 8 days now. Too early to say if it works or not.
UPDATE (03-21-13)
I'm still listening every day for 15 minutes. The excruciating pain is gone, no painkillers for a week. But... I'm also very careful with what I choose to eat, only one meal a day, where I have to chew. Then I drink 'nutrition drinks' with protein for the other 2 meals and lot's of water, 2-3 liters/day.
I created this picture back in 2009, just found it when I looked through all the pics I've made. I felt it was perfect to illustrate how I feel at the moment. A lot has happened inisde of me since I started to meditate to Isochronic Tones, and still is. Many past experiences and traumas manifest themselves in my dreams, that's where I process them. While sleeping I can have nightmares, waking up from them with the feeling of pain, hurt, fear and helplessnes. Then I go back to sleep after a few hours and end up in the exact same dream, but I've been able to change the dreams, giving me my power back.
All these "cleansing dreams" I've experienced lately, have taken it's toll on me, I feel exhausted. So I haven't had the energy to upload videos on YouTube, but I will continue as soon as I feel more energy again.
Dreams have always been a big part of my life, that's where I process "stuff". I remember dreams from my childhood, dreams that I had when I was 4 years old. Also, I recently had a dream about someone's (close to my family) death, that person died last week. Maybe there's a rational explanation for these type of dreams, but it feels a bit scary, sometimes I'm afraid to go to sleep, I have no idea where I will end up in my dreams. Sleep is not rest for me, my subconscious mind and psyche is working on overdrive and I wake up either with a pounding heart or just exhausted.
"A hypnopompic state (or hypnopomp) is the state of consciousness leading out of sleep, a term coined by the psychical researcher Frederic Myers. When the awakening occurs out of rapid eye movement (REM) sleep, in which most dreams occur, the hypnopompic state is sometimes accompanied by lingering vivid imagery. Some of the creative insights attributed to dreams actually happen in this moment of awakening from REM."
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypnopompia
I have experienced this "space", it's exactly between sleep and awakening. How to explain this to not sound totally "crazy"... Here it goes, I can get some kind of messages in this space, it doesn't happen very often, but it did happened twice last year (2012). The first one is too personal, all I can say about it, it turned out to be for my benefit, after 10 months.
The second "message" is more of the esoteric kind, it happened one morning (September 16 - 2012). I heard, felt, experienced, someone, something... okay some kind of voice, telling me a year (2015). Just before waking up I asked about the date and the "voice" told me. I woke up and had the feeling that this was an important date, I have no idea what it means, maybe it's just personal and only concerning my life. I googled on the day and the only thing I could find, that there was going to be a total 2 minute solar eclipse a few days later (March 20 - 2015), off the coast of the Faroe Islands. The day that came to me in the hypnopompic state, was; March 12 - 2015.
So now is the question, what will happen in March 12 - 2015, maybe nothing, I don't know. The four "esoteric" dreams I've had through my life, have only concerned my life. The first one came when I was 18 when my mothers aunt suffered from a stroke and died from it a few months later. The second one, at age 33, came when my mother passed away in a heart attack only 56 years old...
At that time I was living on Maui, Hawaii and my mother lived in Sweden. A friend of mine and I decided to go camping over the weekend, to a beautiful place on Maui, called; The Seven Sacred Pools. One night I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs in the tent, scaring my friend. I had dreamt that I died and was stuck in a kind of "bubble", knowing I was dead, but being conscious. It was a horrible nightmare but I din't think more about it until we came home. When I got that phonecall nobody want's to get, it was my father, crying and telling me that my mother had suffered from a heart attack and passed away in her sleep.
That was a turning point in my life, I had one life before her death and another one, not so happy after. It took me many years to get over it, I'm not even sure I am over it even now. The shock, the pain, the grief is gone all the initial feelings you experience when someone close to you dies. I developed a chronic depression instead, very similar to the dream I had on Maui, feeling disconnected from life but at the same time being conscious about it.
So my guess is that the date I "dreamed" about only will have an effect on my life (if anything happens?).
So it's still "Christmas" in Sweden, only 4 days more to go. My toothache is still bothering me, not as bad as last week, didn't take any painkillers yesterday. But I feel Ihave an infection in my mouth and jawbone, the taste in my mouth is awful, can just imagine how bad the smell must be. And lucky me, getting a toothache during the 2 week Swedish "Christmas Celebration", when everything is closed. I have been able to cope with the pain, with 'over the counter painkillers', I really didn't want to go to the Dental Emergency Clinic and wait for, who knows, how many hours.
The other problem is the cost, in Sweden they separate the mouth and teeth from the rest of the body, we have a public health inscurance, but it does NOT cover any dental problems!!! I guess the Swedish authorities doesn't know that the mouth and the rest of the body share the same bloodstream. In worst case you have to wait for the infection to spread to other parts of your body, then you can go to a hospital and have it taken care of unless the infection have spread to your heart and you suffer from a heart attack and die. Hm...guess that will be cheaper for the government.
I just had to get that off my chest, what I really wanted to write about is that I have rearranged this blog and added a page "Isochronic Tones". That page is empty atm, but soon I'll write something. There are 2 pages where I have added (SL) to the title, it means it's Second Life related.
Well that's all for now, have a "Happy Epiphany Day" *evil grin*
UPDATE (01-11-12)
The page "Isochronic Tones" have been updated.
UPDATE (03-13-13)
I've created a new blog for Second Life, the posts are still in this blog, but I have linked them to the Second Life Blog.If I ever get active in SL again ( which I doubt) I'll be writing there.
I find it difficult to wish everyone a "Happy New Year". Why?... Well first of all how do you define the word Happy, it's subjective, what's happy for me may not be happy for someone else. Second; nobody is happy all the time, life goes up and down. Without the downs, you wouldn't know that you are happy and vice versa. And then we have the "New Year", it's man made from the Gregorian Calender (I think), it's just a way for us humans to be able to make sense of time, more of a practical thing. Based on the past, the moment and the future. I was going to say that the Universe have no time, that it's eternal, but then I googled on it, and found that it's much more complicated than that. Many different theories Philosophy of Time I don't celebrate "The New Year", but others around me does and that is just a nuisance to me. The week before, fire crackers/works all the time with it's culmination at 12 on New Years Eve. So much noise, the time between Christmas and New Year's is the worst time of the year, I hate it. Yes I know, I'm the "Christmas/New Years Grinch". And on top of it all, Christmas isn't over yet, not in Sweden, here it's a 2 week "celebration" that ends after Epiphany Day (13th day after Jesus birth). In one of the worlds most secularised country!!! Next Monday, everything will go back to "normal".
I'm having a really bad toothache, so I don't have much energy to write, but I wanted to explain why my blog have the new name and what it means. The easiest way is to show you a video on YouTube.
Information about the Pineal Gland "Dr. Rick Strassman, while conducting research on the psychedelic dimethyltryptamine (DMT) in the 1990s at the University of New Mexico, advanced the controversial hypothesis that a massive release of DMT from the pineal gland prior to death or near death was the cause of the near death experience (NDE) phenomenon. Several of his test subjects reported NDE-like audio or visual hallucinations. His explanation for this was the possible lack of panic involved in the clinical setting and possible dosage differences between those administered and those encountered in actual NDE cases.
Several subjects also reported contact with 'other beings', alien like, insectoid or reptilian in nature, in highly advanced technological environments where the subjects were 'carried,' 'probed,' 'tested,' 'manipulated,' 'dismembered,' 'taught,' 'loved,' and even 'raped' by these 'beings' (one could note the strong similarities of these bodily tests/invasions in other psychedelic experiences throughout time, outlined in Graham Hancock's "Supernatural". Basing his reasoning on his belief that all the enzymatic material needed to produce DMT is found in the pineal gland (see evidence in mammals), and moreover in substantially greater concentrations than in any other part of the body, Strassman has speculated that DMT is made in the pineal gland."
I changed the name of the blog today, the name "Living in the Virtual World SL" is outdated. I don't spend much time there anymore, I guess I'm just bored and fed up with the virtual world and I've been a resident for almost 6 years, so maybe it's time to move on. I still have my land though, it's beautiful and a bit hard to give up. The short times I am logged in, I don't go anywhere, just hang around on my land, alone.With the 'Busy Mode Button' activated, I have no energy to talk or meet people and the few times I've been out partying the 1-2 past months, I've been aloof, just listening to the music and watching my avatar dance, not much "perving", not participating in the local chat or answering if a stranger IM's me.
I'm fed up with the social life in SL, the local chats are mostly spammed with gestures, like "Hooooo", "Tune", "Awesome", etc. Not to talk about the annoying hosts/hostesses repeatedly gestures, often in a "Gesture Hud; "Party on", "Tip the DJ", etc and all the "Welcomes" from a gesture hud, so impersonal and annoying. I don't tip them anymore, why should I, they're just a nuisance to me. Same with the DJ's, if I don't like the music, no tips. I do give "Linden Love" (lol) when the host/hostess are personal and are able to carry on a conversation, or at least trying to and when I like the music the DJ plays.
Second life have changed a lot since I joined, now it's more like a reflection of the real world. A virtual world for the owners (Linden Lab) and the merchants, based on commerce. The changes that have occured over the past year and upcoming ones, are just made so the residents have to or want to consume more. Mesh is a great example of that, it means you have to buy everything you already have, but in mesh. Linden Lab have also announced that they will change the server based code, so you can't log in with older viewers anymore, well you can, but all other avatars will be gray. All these changes also means you need a powerful computer, if you don't have that, you have to buy a new one.
But the most crazy thing about the commerce in Second Life, the items you buy are NOT real, it's all virtual. If the servers or databases crashes, you have nothing. I've spent quite a lot of real money during my years in Second Life, I don't regret it, at the time I had fun there. But now when I'll leave, it will be all gone. The only real money I spend in SL now is the rent for my land, don't know for how much longer though. Yes, it is beautiful, but it's not real, it's just a piece of a server, located in San Fransisco, that I have decorated. I'm looking at Second Life from the outside now, but I still have a toe attached. I mean it's been such a huge part of my life for 6 years, so it's kind of a process to totally let go.
I'm losing my interest in Second
life, the time I spend there get's less and less. When I'm logged in I
usually don't go anywhere, only once in awhile. I mostly stay on my land
alone with the 'Busy Mode Button' activated, sitting on a tree trunk on
the roof of my house, listening to nature sounds and meditation music.
Then
we have all the changes Linden Lab have introduced during the year; new
ugly viewers, new TPV rules, mesh, pathfinding, etc. I feel that SL
more and more is becoming close to the real world, where they come up
with ideas that forces us to consume more. Take 'mesh' for an example,
only visible in viewers that are based on V2 code and the plan is to
close server access for V1 coded viewers, like Phoenix (my favorite
viewer). Anyway, why introducing 'mesh'? For us users it means we have
to buy everything we already have, but in mesh. A clever idea of Linden
Lab and the merchants to make more money.
After 5 years and 9
months, this fat lady is starting to warm up her voice, prepaired to
sing her last song. And that will be when Linden Lab close the access
for V1 based coded viewers, when I can't log in with Phoenix anymore.
(Friday, 9 March 2012) Interview with Oz Linden | Treet TV (Saturday, 17December 2011) Rockcliffe University hosted a Q and A session with Jessica Lyon and Nigma Sterling.
It's all about making:
$Profit$
The end of Phoenix
Well, Good Luck, Linden Lab, but
this time I think you have gone to far. Yes I know you own the platform
but with really pissed off residents, that probably will leave,
specially we "oldies", the ones with the credit cards and the money, and
not the teenies or newbies., I predict that Second Life will be an old
memory, not so far away. You're trying to make SL into an online game
that you think will attract new ("willing to spend $$") residents.
Here's the truth, at least for many of us, Second Life have been a
Virtual World, where we can meet people from all over the world, having
fun, dancing, chatting, music, etc. And NOT a game. You couldn't handle
that the TPV developers managed to make a better viewer than your own,
did you?! And do you really think that you can "make it" in the
competition of really awesome online games, with years of development
behind them, I don't think so.
Well, a bunch of credits and
"Thank You's" to the Phoenix/Firestorm team, and other TPV developers,
for their voluntary and hard work to make viewers that the resiedents
really likes. And a special 'Thank you' to Jessica Lyon, who have worked
so hard (and still is), being like the spider in the net, cordinating
everything, keeping us informed about Linden Labs plans for the future,
besides being a part of a team that makes the best viewers in Second
Life. Thank You Jessica!
Later: (12-18-2012) After
half a bottle of vodka, clubbing in SL is so boooring. The good old
clubs have closed :-( What's left and the few new ones, are just a big
YAWN. Sure there are a few exceptions, still some good DJ's left. Well
I'm gonna finish my vodkadrink ( 7 PM CET/ 11 AM SLT) and go to sleep.
I'm bored to death and very sleepy. Don't think I will miss SL when the
"big changes" on the server side is implemented and Phoenix becomes
"unusable". Unless I just stay on my land and don't see anyone, the
coming of the "Gray Ones". Wonder if my own avatar will "bake"
properly....hm?!
